I am currently sitting in my lounge room, recliner set to maximum recline, heat pad set to maximum heat trying hard not to think about the fact that I’m supposed to be at work right now.
Today is not a great day. Painsomnia had me up in the early hours of this morning trying every trick in the book to fall asleep. When I finally did fall asleep, my alarm went off. I think I hit snooze for about an hour before accepting I should call in sick.
Guilt has been a big part of my chronic life. Guilt about not being able to do things others want me to, guilt about family and friends having to pick up the slack, guilt about calling in sick to work. My shoulders and neck have been playing up lately and now my TMJ has decided it doesn’t want to be left out of the party. So, even though I’m sitting (lying) here stiff as a board from the shoulders up, head pounding, sharp pains stabbing my face, just able to open my mouth wide enough to take pain meds… even with all of this there is a little voice at the back of my brain taunting me. You should have gone to work today. You could have gone to work today. Why aren’t you at work?
Well today I say, Little Voice Be Gone! Guilt Be Gone! Neither of you are helping. You’re not doing anything to take my pain away or even reduce it. In fact, you’re probably making it worse as I tense up every time you rear your ugly heads.
Today is about me. Me helping me. Today I will do everything I can to help reduce my pain so that when I do go to work I am the best I can be.
Guilt, you have been a big part of my chronic life but you’re no longer needed.
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It took me all day to write this post but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is it’s done.